Things are not what they were.
Not long ago, my life bordered on boring, and predictable. Or that was how I interpreted it.
Sinse seperating from my wife, we have continued living together, peacefully mostly.
We rise each day, and get the kids off to school, and i go off to work. She goes to school some days, work others. We struggle with our jealousy of each others relationships, and we are triggered by what feels like old patterns. There is always room to keep trying to be peaceful.
Sometimes we stand, facing each other, and we reach out our hands to each other. We breathe in a taste of now. We breathe out the tension. We still want to be close sometimes, and we know we need space at others.
Our kids seem to appreciate the seperation for its peace. We have truly called a treaty, and it appears to be working. We vowed to be mindful, and to grow each others good seeds of emotion, and to be peaceful in communication. We have promised to speak peacefully, and to listen compassionately.
I am now in an intentional relationship with myself. A divine exploration into who I am.
I have taken up residence in the addition on our house. It acts as a sort of appartment for me, and she has completely taken over our bedroom downstairs. Every day I work on my jealousy, and my resistance to our state of seperation.
The cycles of our relationship have been maddening for both of us, for a number of years now.
The patterns have been defined, and they seem to perpetuate.
We lose sight of what is who's, and get all out of integrity with ourselves over, and over again.
That relationship must die. We are creating the agreements of accountability.
Still I cry. I toss and turn as I sleep alone in a twin bed. I imagine her boyfriend, and I dream of having a girlfriend. I am lonely, and yet determined to find myself .
I have defined my path as one of solidarity with self. I am sure that as I become more secure with myself as a single man, I will be attracted to a specific person, or I will have a blast dating to find the right partner.
I am still struggling with my desire to patch things up in this relationship, and I know that is not probable.
3 weeks or so into this breakup, initiated by my wife, she is active with a partner.
I am resolved to heal from this relationship. Even if a relationship can come out of the ashes of the old one, the only possible way I can see is for the completion of the last one.
Transformation occurs as a radical shift in ways of being that is measurable in reality. Transformation is Now.
