There is a dynamic in my primary relationship in which a seemingly normal conversation begins to erode into angry fencing.

What i know is my own experience. I begin to feel defensive. My blood pressure must rise, because my skin feels a little tight, and hot, and i get a prickly sensation. I feel attacked. Most times that i feel attacked, i really am being told that in one way or another i am the problem.

my intention is not usually to further complicate the situation, but i suppose that my next move is to stand up for myself, and point out the unfairness of the statement. but by this point, i am in defense mode, and am not thinking clearly. all the blood in my head is being forced into the reptilian part of my brain.

what i really need is not the cognitive, intellectual conversation, but the calm down, and hold hands. i need reassurance to bolster me in my insecurity. when i feel at odds with my partner, i need to sit quietly together, and old hands. if i rush to solve problems through thinking, and talking, i make rash statements, and further entrench myself in verbal warfare.

"talking it out" isn't always the most productive activity for me.