my conversations with madhatte are much appreciated. i am very satisfied with the time we spent together on the 6th. thanks hatte.
i am proud of bluerosemama for being a "go out and git em'" with regard to making the dirt happen, and congratulations on the monitary stability that sprouted out of this new change in career for big d.
it looks to me like twowayaddiction is coming through this new chapter mightily, and what's next i know will be so empowered from choice, not pattern. life/love changes are almost never easy, and it always turns out so satisfying when all is said and done. (not to mention schooling all at the same time).
sapphireflight has been an instrumental friend, and her companionship is so felt, and appreciated in this, my time of transition. thank you for all the years of joy-
from gently welcoming me to the world of intimacy and love, to being so open and supportive in my chrysalis phase. (i'm turning into a butterfly).
spidertangle i miss you. i hope all is well across the pond. hi ryan.
lola, you're doing great. i have seen a real transition and progression in the last 8 or 9 months that we have been sharing journals.
remember the safeway story?(anxiety attack du jour) you've come a long way. you are so strong, and have learned so much...breathe. thanks for your loving support.
valimagdon, where are you???
my new friend gracefuldancer has blown me away with her honesty, and openness. i am honored to be able to be a safe friend. i hope that i have something to bring, and i appreciate the unattatched connection, and the spirit of not taking things personally. this is a new ability for me to stay platonic, and yet connected.
our 4 hour conversation capped off my birthday perfectly.
my relationship with hepmama is becoming so clear. we are best friends, and i can say with assurety that i haven't been happier with our arrangement in 8 years of marriage. i have also learned a valuable lesson around marriage-"don't fix it if it ain't broke". if nothing was wrong, why did i have to changee it? marriage seemed like a solution to the problem of personal insecurity. i also couldn't have done anything different at 23. i was who i was, and i saw the world in my way. i can't expect that i could ahve known what i have learned through these years. there was a time when i thought that i had been wasting time here, and i feel sure that all of my interactions here have been essential. i have created myself with the loving support, and interaction in my marriage. it is also so nice to just be her friend. it feels so much more authentic than the conflicted, dysfunctional, and painful romance that wasn't always so romantic. it feels like we spent 8 years missing the point, an d taking turns wanting connection while the other was poiniently disconnected. our love has always been like ships that pass in the night. the rare moments of true connection were transient, and difficult to get back to. i spent most of my time wishing...you name it. wishing for connection, wishing for space, wishing for support, wishing for sex, wishing for acceptance, wishing for affection. and so on.
i am forming my 10 year plan, and i am beginning to take care of the nuts and bolts of how i am going to get what i want. seperating financially, and moving toward seperate living spaces feels right. we are going to mediation as a way to help us both get what we want, in ways we may not be able to foresee. and most importantly, we are getting help from our mediators to keep the kids needs at the forefront. there are surely ways that we are trying to get our needs met, that we might not immediately see the impact on those beautiful little souls.
they are the real focus here. i have sacrificed more for them than anyone, anything in my life. i plan on continuing to make concessions, and sacrifices in their favor.
today is a good day. it is raining, and i just have 3, and 7. 10 is at a friends house. i need to make breakfast, and do some dishes. i also need to get next weeks work clothes clean and ready. anyone reading this, feel free to call me. i will be home all day probably. 360 956 7265. peace.
